Things I miss about Baltimore

In no particular order:

1. Artscape
2. non-pretentious restaurants
3. the small town feeling (you always see people you know)
4. Hampden
5. The Wine Source
6. Orioles Games (Student night Fridays)
7. The people

Good Quote-Quality Chus

So those of you who read "Blog du Wren" or "The Week" for that matter, are familiar with publications drawing attention to interesting/disturbing/inspiring quotes. In that vain I would like to share a little gem from Baltimore politics. Those of you who are familiar with the dysfunctional group of nepotistic men and women that make up the city government are aware that Sheila Dixon, the mayor, is under investigation for all sorts of inappropriate shenanigans involving people giving her money and stuff and her doing stuff for them. Well during the investigation it was revealed that she was treated to tens of thousands of dollars in shopping sprees by her at-the-time boyfriend, who in return had the wheels of gov't greased for him in regards to development projects he was involved in. When asked about the shopping sprees where she got furs, several hundred dollar Jimmy Chu shoes, etc., her response was, "I don't shop often, but when I do I buy quality." She is quite the woman of the people. She is also accused of taking donated gift cars intended for poor families and using them for herself. Of course everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but in Baltimore the real shocking thing is that anybody bothered to care enough to say, "Hey, a city council president/mayor shouldn't be taking huge gifts in return for favors." (Full disclosure: I supported her...Hey, democracy ain't perfect.)

Moving is the worst thing in the world

I know being "curbed" is probably slightly worse, but moving is a close second. I have been laboring for what feels like years to move out of our house. How many SUV's of stuff could we possibly own? If I cannot finish getting rid of it all by tomorrow I may "curb" myself. On the same topic I guess I have to report that I will no longer be officially residing in Baltimore. Do I need to change the name of the blog? Since I consider DC a suburb of Baltimore, I think I'm all good.

Baltimore is a murdery small town

Watching the local "news" last night. There was a story about a photographer from my neighborhood who won a contest from national geographic. The next story was about a stabbing in the neighborhood next to mine and they interviewed (without any comment) the photographer from the previous story as a neighbor to the crime. I guess there are two possibilities: they sent out two different crews and it was just a coincidence, or the same crew did both stories and was just incredibly lazy. Either way this gives you some idea why "news" is in quotation marks. Baltimore is a creepy small town. While on the topic, I would like to publicly propose that Baltimore downgrade its status to town. I am sure there are complicated population, size requirements that make it officially a city, but like a university changing from being a college to a university, I think Baltimore would do better as a town. A town can't lead the nation in syphilis, drugs, or murder, can it? Plus who would be afraid of visiting some little old town? When I run for mayor this is going to be part of my platform.

Orioles

The Orioles are once again playing well at the beginning of the season in order to draw me in, get me excited, and than spend three quarters of the season letting me down. They keep coming back late in games to win and their bullpen is doing really well. Which, of course, means they will not come back again this season and the bullpen will start stinking the rest of the year. In good news I have a new pregame ritual...soft-shell crab sandwich and Boh from Fadley's in Lexington Market. Despite the fact that the stall next door in the market sells, raccoon, (yes raccoon), it is awesome. Best experience from the ball game yesterday: the drunk college girls behind us with letters written on their bellies who couldn't quite get it together to spell Orioles. Mostly because some of them were shy, so there was a lot of ories, etc. Go O's.
PS- RIP - Jay Gibbons, you are gone but not forgotten. Are you free to do birthday parties?

An Ambivalent Baltimorean's guide to Baltimore

Don't get me wrong, I love B-more. But how to best display its charm, which has taken me twenty odd years to appreciate? Having someone come from out of town gets you thinking, what are the best things to show in Baltimore. Here is my list: The Reptile House (which is no longer around, but I include it because for the longest time it was my favorite thing to do in Baltimore for a dollar), the Visionary Arts Museum (very Baltimore, very cool), Orioles, Crabs and Boh, the Hampden lights (in winter), the Helmand, the Aquarium (although very expensive), the Charleston, Tambers (diner/indian food, the greatest), the Paper Moon, the Walters, and perhaps Fort McHenry. What would be on your list?
PS- for fans of the Wire, an informal Wire tour and for those who haven't seen "Serial Mom" or "Pecker," those are must sees.
PPS- And when Baltimore won't cut it, as a last resort, DC, which I see as basically a suburb of Baltimore.

Day 18-The Hunt

Dear Diary,
We have been on the hunt now for eighteen days and still no sign of the beast. We thought the ice , rain and partially flooded basement would drive it up the steps and into our snare, but alas, it is a smart devil. I have begun to call him "Great White" and he haunts my dreams. He left his trail of excrement across the basement floor as if to tease me, taunt me to catch him. He takes the bate outside our cutting edge trap, and yet leaves the bounty inside undisturbed. Where did you learn such tricks "Great White?" How shall I catch thee and end this tragic play? You are here and not here, perhaps a ghost of a rat. I will catch you.

Rats

Hunting rats is hard!

Whoever said Baltimore rats are stupid. After a couple weeks with the rat zapper we are still without our first catch. They took the food I left out in front as an enticement, but apparently are scared to go in. We're not too worried because so far they are confined to the basement, probably because our dog is so ferocious (see picture). Any suggestions on what to bait the trap with? I have been using dog food and doggy bacon. I thought who could resist? I am starting to suspect that the rats are so well fed they don't need my little morsels, kind of like the sharks in an aquarium who are fed so well they don't eat the other fish. Maybe I need to provide them with some stimulation, like a large hamster tower, and just put the rat zapper at the end. Stay tuned...

Local Lawyer Commercials

One thing I have noticed as I have traveled this great land is the ubiquitous cheesy lawyer commercial. In Lewiston it was Joe Bornstien, "Let's settle this one." In Baltimore you have Stephen L. Miles, "If you have a phone you have a lawyer." Now there is a new comer in town that really takes the cake: Larry Glazer (SP?) "Don't urinate on my leg and tell me it's raining." Do you have any favorite, low budget, lawyer commercials?

Rats...

Living in Baltimore rats are just a part of life. I once read a story in the paper about a seedy bar that hosted rat-fishing contests as a promotion. They would bait-up a hook and go out into the alley behind the bar and see who could catch the biggest rat. Unfortunately, the health department or animal control did not see the humor in the whole thing and put a stop to it. We have rats in our back yard and possibly (I like to keep the possibility alive that it is happy bunnies eating our dog treats and not disgusting rats) in our house. When I lived downtown I once had a rat in my apartment for a few days that pulled itself off of the glue trap before I could get to it with my tennis racket. (A feat my turtle could not replicate, getting off the glue trap that is, I didn't beat him with the racket....sad Mr. T.) We just ordered the best rat trap ever....The "Rat Zapper Deluxe." It electrocutes the rats humanely and is fast. (Animal rights activists please complain in the posts section of this blog.) I will keep you up to date. My question is does anyone have any bright ideas about how to get the rats out of my backyard, since my dog eats their waste. (Which may explain the cranberry like thing that grew on the inside of her ear.)

Readership and The Wire

Want to know how many people read your blog? Post that you got engaged and see how many people comment....my total? TWO. So here's to my two readers! Thanks for your support. By the way, I am currently watching the 4th season of The Wire, it's awesome. If you want a show that explains so much about what is wrong in American cities, you should get the DVDs. By far the best show on television, one of the rare shows that does not conform to traditional tv rules and story structures, amazing acting, closest thing to literature on television....check it out people.

To the political scientists out there..

And as far as know there is only one or two of you...I have a deep question that verges on the philosophical or perhaps Zen: If an election happens in Baltimore and nobody votes, did it really happen? In the interest of full disclosure I should say, I did not vote. I know, I know, (Molly, you are probably so disappointed right now) but lets be honest, what is the point of voting in an election where many people ran unopposed, and the mayor won by about 70% of the vote. Here are some ideas for increasing voter participation (some mine, some stolen): when you vote you get entered in a lottery for a million dollars, actually have some competition (you know the whole two party thing), allow everyone to vote by mail, or lets just abandon this whole democracy thing and have those who score in the top 10% on the SATs vote. We will force them to vote, they are smarter than me (I think, I don't remember my percentile), and then the rest of us don't have to bother paying attention. I believe that these people should also be the ones to be forced to serve on juries, that way the rest of us don't have to. Haha, that will teach those damn smart people and force candidates to actually act smart, not dumb it down. Anyone else have some reform ideas?

Big Explosion on My Street

So enough complaining about dog poop on my lawn...a house exploded on my street today. No joke. I was sitting at home with Quinn when there was a really, really loud boom, some stuff fell over in my house, and the dog looked at me like, "what the *!@# was that?" I ran outside and there was complete chaos...kids running around drenched in blood, women screaming, seriously, it was intense. I tried to help one kid who was bleeding from the back of his head, but he kept running around and I couldn't get him to sit down. Luckily the fire fighters and paramedics showed up quickly and it turns out no one was critically injured, which is a miracle considering three houses were destroyed and the whole front of one house was blown apart. Some guy somehow managed to blow up a propane tank in his house. Although my first reaction was meth lab. Anywho, after it was clear that everyone will be ok, and everything was under control, I took a picture or two and was interviewed on one of the local news channels (WJZ, you can go to WJZ.com and see a clip of me being interviewed, looking all scruffy). It is seriously a miracle that no one was killed.

Why do dogs keep crapping on my lawn?

We have like a ten ft. square lawn and some dog, or dogs, keeps crapping on it. Once I could forgive. I have, myself, been caught without a plastic bag on a few occasions. But now it is starting to look like someone is training their dog to poop on our lawn. I mean come on people! What is the best way to deal with this situation? I have considered sitting on my porch with a shotgun twenty-four hours a day...but I have no shotgun and it is getting cold. I could make a sign, which the dog owner would promptly ignore. Plant cacti in my lawn? I am at a loss. There is certain dog etiquette that needs to followed in a civil society. What is the world coming to when shit can be left anywhere? In the privacy of my own backyard, fine, I will leave crap festering for a few days, but on the front lawn, by my walk? That is a slap in the face. Suggestions anyone? And by the way what the heck is "curbing your dog"? I assume it means pick up their crap, but where did the phrase come from?

Jury Duty

It seems odd that we entrust the decision making in much of our judicial system to those who often know the least about the law: us citizens. This thought kept going through my mind two days this week as I was on a jury in a fairly serious arson trial in Baltimore. What exactly is reasonable doubt? Who do you believe on the witness stand? (when at least two of the three main witnesses were drug addicts...) It was a pretty intimidating experience and at times boring, interesting, soporific, and mystifying. The prosecutor was well organized and convincing, while the defense attorney (probably a public defender) seemed unprepared and often like he was making it up as he went along. The judge was rather amusing and kept the attorneys on a pretty short leash, often cutting them off and keeping them from rambling. There are many things I could say about the trial and the seeming inequities of the system, but I will just say this: once we were given the case and went back to deliberate I felt that the system is ultimately pretty fair. The jury was diverse racially, in regards to age, and apparently income and educational level as well. When we began deliberating, I felt that all the relevant issues were hashed out and discussed. We ended up convicting the accused and I'm sure he was sentenced (or will be) to a lot of time, which brings up a whole different question about how we sentence and punish criminals in this country. Ultimately, while it was an interesting experience, I hope I will not have to serve in this capacity again, I have no interest in passing judgment and in some respects, bearing responsibility for someone else's life in such a way.

Cutest Dog in Baltimore

My dog is the cutest dog in Baltimore. I have proof. She has been chosen as the poster dog for a blog of dog pictures in the Baltimore Sun. Look quick before she gets replaced by a less cute dog. Scroll down towards the bottom of the page and look on the right for the blog on dogs. You should see a picture of a very very cute dog named Quinn.

Verizon

Dear Verizon,
Unlike the DMV you actually have some competition, so it is surprising that you are also so bad at what you do. I would like to write to you and explain why we (Sarah and I) will no longer be using you for our internet service. Reason one, the internet you provide sucks and comes and goes so frequently I am starting to think you just have somebody sitting next to a switch turning it on and off all day. Two, your customer service is awful, you makes us wait, do not understand our plain English, and are on occasion, very rude. Three, you forget to bill us on a frequent basis then send us a huge bill one month. Four, when we told you we were no longer using you because you lie to us (see reason five) and your service is bad, you had a computer call us to ask us why we were leaving (not even a real person). Five, you lie to us. Recently an elderly woman was so fed up with Comcast in DC that she took a hammer to their local office and started busting stuff up. Bravo. Stop spending so much money on bad commercials and actually run your business effectively.
Sincerely,
Publius

Wyman Park

Dear Wyman Park,
You are such an awesome park. Quinn loves you. You have a babbling brook, trails galore, and lots of other dogs for Quinn to sniff. Wren and I once enjoyed geocashing in your woods and rarely are dead bodies found within your boundaries. It's awesome to have such a great dog park near my house. One question, why were you filled with army guys/gals with AK-47's yesterday?
Sincerley,
Pubs

Baltimore in NYT

Dear NYT,
Thanks for featuring my hood. While that is not the abandoned house next to my house, it's one that's on my block. I love how Baltimore always gets positive press: "The Wire," "The Corner," high murder rate, the O's stink.... People must really want to come visit!!!
Sincerely,
Pubs

Orioles

Dear Orioles,
You suck. This is ten years in a row of sucking. I feel really sorry for your marketing department. They have a hard sell. What slogan are you going to use next year? Hear are some suggestions: "Come watch us make it eleven in a row;" "Cal Ripken used to play for us;" "It could be worse;" "Lots of seats to choose from;" "Got money to burn? Come buy overpriced beers;" "You have a good chance of catching a ball, no-one else is around." And what happened to Jay, I used to be the most awesomest player in the world, then I sucked, then I got caught doing roids, but I'm still sexy, Gibbons???? He has fallen of the face of the earth. Hey if this baseball thing doesn't work out, male modeling might be an option.
Sincerely,
Publius
PS- feel free to suggest your own slogans for next years O's.